Relationships…

Under the ‘spouse’ section of an application, an app wrote:

“None. I gave her the boot!”

Classy.

Back in action

Missed a solid week of work thanks to the flu, but today alone was able to make up for a weeks worth of goofy ass names that I might have missed. Before the clock had even stuck 9:30, I’d gotten to process:

Linda Bonebreak
Sharona Idlebird
and
Themistocles Anaya

I’m kind of wondering what profession your ancestors had to be in to get a surname like “bonebreak”…

“I’m sorry, the number you have dialed is disconnected or no longer in service…”

We’re not allowed to take employment or rental verifications from anyone over a cellular phone because you can never be 100% sure that the person is who the say they are. Anyhow, about one out of every three cells we call, this, or a similar variation there of, occurs:

Idiot: Yea? Hello?
Me: I’m sorry, is this a cell phone?
Idiot: What?
Me: A cell phone? Is this a cell?
Idiot: Huh?
Me: AM I CALLING A CELLULAR PHONE?
Idiot: You’re calling to speak with Cellular Phone?
Me: *click*

Yes, you jackass, I’m calling to you on your cell phone to speak with someone named ‘Cellular Phone’. How can there be people who are so stupid?

Boo!

I’m not sure if I should be thankful or maybe a little sad that there’s not some single, late-40’s aged woman who works in our office and feels compelled to decorate the place every holiday. A Jack-o-lantern would’ve been nice, but I don’t think I could deal with bat shaped paper streamers and ghost figurines everywhere.

Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays...

Well, so far today we’ve had a transformer catch fire, lost power for over an hour, had our phone/fax/modem lines go down over 10 times, and had a coworker lie about her mother trying to commit suicide as an excuse for why she didn’t do a damn thing over the weekend.

Oh, and I'm also processing an ap named 'Cobraa-Phenix Hawk'. Niceeeee.

“Ice to meet you…”

Fucking A, so the AC is a little wacky in the new office, but it’s really not that bad. My coworkers, however, bitch like the office was in Antarctica. I swear, I’d rather eat a box of rat poison than put up with another day of non-stop whining about how the thermostat dropped below 72. I once worked a five hour shift with a strange, rhythmic stabbing sensation in my stomach (which later at the ER was diagnosed as Appendicitis) and didn’t complain a peep. Pansies...

Movin' on up!

Well, we’ve pretty much moved into the new building and I’m liking it a lot. The new office is larger, cleaner, and has a full wall window that provides a glorious view…of the massive office building next door. My only two real complaints are:

1) The AC is broken at 64 degrees. Granted, when you walk into that from a sweltering 95 degree November morning in Houston, it’s refreshing. But, after about 45 minutes your fingers and nose have gone numb because you’re not a damn Eskimo.

2) Someone walks their dog in the parking garage stairwells. I mean, what the fuck?! You’re walking your dog up to the 4th floor in a parking garage so it can take a dump on the stairwell landing? ASS.

At today’s gas prices…

I processed an ap today who’d been arrested for larceny of motor fuel, or in layman’s terms: siphoning gas. Classy. I wonder what brand of mints are the best at getting that gasoline taste out of your mouth.

...

“I ain't stupid or nuthin’…I just started using the system.”-Leasing Agent

We got an ap named “Cricket Mummey” today. I can only imagine the teasing that girl was subject too in school…

All time lows reach new highs…

Despite telling people how trashy several of the complexes are that we deal with, most don’t truely grasp how ghetto these places actually are. Today, for instance, a leasing agent began screaming at me over the phone because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) illegally obtain an applicant’s state child support info. It’s not that the applicant wouldn’t provide it for us, the leasing agent just wanted to get her moved in ASAP instead of having to wait the extra day while the ap got the docs herself. Apparently, the leasing agent just figured that I wouldn’t mind committing felony fraud against the state of Texas to save her some time…

Maybe if you ever listened to me…

Ok, parents, what did I just say to you about drinks and childrens' names? “Mimosa Flores”? Wow…nice work there. I can only imagine what Mr. and Mrs. Flores named their numerous other spawn-lings…“Singapore Sling Flores”, “Buttery Nipple Flores”, “Kamikaze Flores”, and everyone’s little darling "Sex On The Beach Flores”

Not so egg-cellent

Well, I missed work Wednesday due to rancid egg attacks. Despite having been in college for seven years now, I still haven’t learned that if you leave egg-salad out on the counter all day and then eat it when you’re high, there’ll be hell to pay in about six hours.

Speaking of painful internal issues, my brain is currently going into meltdown over the fact someone named their child “Kismitt”. C’mon, what the hell?

Work-tality!

Every time I sneeze, the coworker in the desk adjacent to mine turns to me and says “Weeeeeeeeeeell, Ghaaaad bwess yooooooo!”…

I’m totally justified in having the overwhelming urge to give her a Sub-Zero style uppercut, right?

Chil’ins and drank…

Dear parents, please refrain from naming your children after the booze you were consuming while conceiving them. Seriously, “Tequila Lateshia King”? Oh well, at least she’s not “Old English Lateshia King” or “Nighttrain Lateshia King”.

TGIAT-Thank God It’s A Thylacine

Fridays around work a generally slow, allowing me the opportunity to waste massive amounts of time on wikipedia discovering pointless, obscure facts. For instance, 71 years ago on this very date, the last known Thylacine died in a Tasmanian zoo...

Mama say...

I swear on Poseidon’s trident that leasing agents are specifically hired because of the fact they’re rude as hell and total fucking idiots. Take, for example, the following phone conversation:

Me: Hello, how can I help you?
Leasing Agent: Joo can tell my why joo say Jose Hernandez not working? Because he is!
Me: I didn’t say that, his former manger said he was terminated 4 months ago when I called her to verify his employment.
Leasing Agent: Well…Joo wrong. His mom tell me he still working there!
Me: We’re not interested in what his mom says, only what his supervisor says.
Leasing Agent: *Tssss* His mom not going to lie. Joo donno wachu talking about! Joo need to call up again and…(long pause)…Aye! Joo know what? I got wrong applicant.
*click*

Bitch

ZOMG…Tell Perez!

Today we got to process the rental application for Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s father’s sister. Yea, that’s pretty much been as exciting as things have gotten.

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Me: (humming “Smooth Criminal”)
Coworker: Ugh! Could you stop humming that stupid Alien Ant Farm song?
Me: You do realize "Smooth Criminal" is by Michael Jackson?
Coworker: Well, umm…uhhh…
Me: Alien Ant Farm only covered the song.
Coworker: Yea, uh…I knew that. It’s just…It’s just that that was the more recent and it’s the version that gets stuck in my head.
Me: Un-huh…
Coworker: Could you just stop humming it?
Me: Yea, sure. (starts humming “Beat It”)

Frozen H2O and a little C2H4

I’ve seen my fair share of ridiculous and just downright stupid names, but never a mother-daughter team before. Mom’s name is Icy; daughter’s is Ethaline (an accepted alternate spelling for the Ethylene). Hey, some people name their children after biblical figures, others after chemical compounds. However, judging from the felony counts of welfare fraud on Icy’s record, I’m guessing she doesn’t know her daughter shares a name with the simplest alkene…If she even knows what an alkene is.